Thursday July 09, 2009
When I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis in April of 2007, I had no understanding of how my world would change. I was completely and ignorantly unprepared for the permanence of residency MS would take up in my life. The transformation didn’t happen in one defining moment or in a single day. It didn’t change within the moment of my diagnosis or with one single utterance of a Dr.’s words to me. Yet, today as I stand staring into the mirror of the present, while flirting with reflections of the past, I find both myself, and my life to be almost unrecognizable to the woman I was three years ago.
Within these three years a compiled gathering of life experiences with MS has changed my life and the way I live it forever. An uninvited conversion, birthed by each heartache, challenge, prayer, struggle, each accomplishment, triumph, and smile; with every fallen tear, each laugh that escaping my mouth, each fear, every comfort, and every moment lived through this, has changed me. MS is not all of me or all that I am; but make no mistake; this disease has attempted to steal much OF me. It has stolen much FROM me. With Multiple Sclerosis’ every attempt to steal from me, I choose to fight back to see these stolen things turned into my life’s gain.
MS has made my body a marked target to numbness or weakness; but my heart and soul will never sit in wait for its arrow to still me.
My days are now well acquainted with containing struggle and pain; but this acquaintance will never be an invited companion… struggle and pain will never dictate all that I hold in the capacity of my days.
My faith has been tested only to be proven to be an honorable champion.
This mind may now become forgetful or confused; but the reality of whom and what I hold dearest to me will never escape me.
Answers to my questions as to what the future will touch or unfold to me, may seem for now empty or void; but my heart is sure of this, I will go on.
My eyes have at times betrayed me to see nothing but hazes in shades of Grey, it is then I have known the intimacy of walking by faith not by sight; for I am never out of the sight, or hands, of God. It is then I have seen most clearly, the beauty of my family, of life, the beauty of one’s heart. It is then I have seen true kindness and love in the depth of a soul.
My gait may falter and I might fall; but I will get up again; I will stand tall and sure against the unwelcome presence of MS in me.
My words may slur or stumble in transposition; but I will not be kept silent. I will make my voice heard, the meaning my words understood, and my laugh known; also know this, while MS rears its ugly head in attack, I will shout and roar loudly, right back in the face of the intruding, beastly, thief that it is.
I find myself becoming clumsy and awkward; but, oh… I have learned much about finding humor and grace.
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So you see, this disease may try, but it can’t have me. ‘It’ can only change me. Only ‘I’ can determine how I change with it. ‘It’ can only steal. ‘It’ has no choice. I have a choice. I choose to face MS head on with all of its ugliness. I choose not to slumber submissively while ‘It’ stalks within me seeking its next prey. I choose to grow stronger through each new challenge. I choose to trust God through all things. I choose to seek joy out when it attempts to evade me. I choose to love through the hate of what is in me. I choose to live life, not simply endure it. I choose to laugh when I want to… and cry when I need to. I choose to fight for what is mine and not lay down compliantly awaiting defeat. I choose to do my best when MS does its worst. I choose to pursue my passions, run with hope and dance with my dreams. I choose to find the bright side in the middle of the dark. I choose to define who I am; I will not to let MS do the defining for me. I choose…to keep choosing…with each new day I choose the changes in me …in my life….I choose.
Author: Wendy Raffray, MS Challenger
written July 09, 2009
copyright protected from July 2009
